International dating. While interracial dating is not a new topic to uncover, it can be quiet and overlooked. Widely recognisable interracial couples such as Prince Harry & Meghan Markle, Kim Kardashian & Kanye West, and Priyanka Chopra & Joe Jonas appear in the media often.
Going back further in history, the first interracial kiss on TV happened in July 1964 when a white actor and a black actress kissed live on a British TV show called Emergency Ward 10.
According to the UK GOV statistics for 2021, 1.7 million people are of mixed ethnicity - a mere 2.9% of the population of England and Wales. European settlement within the UK has grown, with an estimated approximately 4 million EU-born residents in the UK, making up 6% of the population and 37% of all those born abroad.
Mixed race backgrounds can lead to curiosity, insightful conversations and an understanding of different cultures - it can also cause a struggle with identities, pressure to conform to societal norms and a questioning of belonging. When facing criticism against ignorance, arrogance, and poor knowledge of world views can be frustrating.
While there can be many negative connotations and racism for those who live in the UK, there is also hope that the number of interracial couples will blossom and grow. Interracial couples only account for 7% of relationships in England and Wales. Websites such as interacialdating.com, FlirtWithMe.InterracialDating+ encourages and facilitates these avenues to cultivate.
Italians face stereotyping as loud, passionate and dramatic individuals and Asian women as docile, submissive and seductively exotic, the fetishisation of Westernised 'yellow fever' has stemmed from. Detrimental Italian and Asian stereotyping is common in movie depictions such as Letters to Juliet (2010) and Love and Gelato (2022), Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) and Madame Butterfly (1995).
In the interview below, myself and my good friend Gaia Ravizza discuss and share our British dating experiences. And what it is like to be a mixed-race (Jessica) or European woman (Gaia) and how this has affected our experiences.
Gaia Ravizza:
I am an Italian woman who has lived in the UK for over ten years. I left Italy at sixteen. I have only had a few experiences dating other Italian men, so most of my romantic relationships have been with British men.
Jessica Ramos:
I am a half-Filipino, half-white British woman born and bred in Portsmouth. I have had a predominantly white, western upbringing and have visited the Philippines a mere handful of times. I adore both Filipino and English culture and values.
The Interview:
What are some common misconceptions or stereotypes of your nationality or ethnicity?
Jessica: The common stereotypes amongst Filipinos are that we are always late, we have an undying love for karaoke, girls are incredibly short and men are unfaithful. There has been a resurfacing ‘gold digger’ stereotype among Filipino women who would like to be taken back to the UK or America in search of a better quality of life and to escape poverty in the poorer districts. While some of these are true, we are also deemed hard workers with kind mannerisms. For a common example of a Filipino woman within the media, type into your search box in YouTube ‘60 Days Fiance: The Ed and Rose Story’ that you might know of when it went viral in 2020.
Gaia: Italian men usually assume I am a great cook, however that does not entitle them to get a meal out of me. A few of them also confessed they were ‘scared’ my nipples would be brown instead of pink, but like many other nationalities, we come in all sizes, shapes, and shades. I’ve had a few mentions that they thought I’d be more ‘religious’ and ‘hairier’.
2. Is there anything you wish people knew about these stereotypes or misconceptions?
Jessica: That falling in love with someone who just so happens to be abroad or overseas can happen in real life, and is not just some stereotype or cliche!
I have often been called and deemed ‘feisty’ and mildly ‘aggressive’ by men within dating apps and in person, while I was simply expressing my passions and opinions. It can be very frustrating to explain that I am neither of those things when being called feisty can channel these exact emotions. How would you feel if you were described as feisty and aggressive when you simply wanted to get your point across? Stereotypes such as these affect those of Latin American, South American and Spanish cultures of Latina women as the stereotype of being fiery, ill-tempered and only speaking with thick accents.
Gaia: It is quite harmful to assume general stereotypes. Yes, we are generally sassy and argumentative and can become jealous, but that is because we are raised in a culture where whistling at a woman walking down the street is seen as a ‘compliment’, and were most boyfriends won’t allow you to wear certain clothes or lipstick shades, interact with other male friends, while they are allowed everything and anything.
3. Have these stereotypes or misconceptions affected your dating experience when chatting to new people?
Jessica: Stereotypes such as these heavily influenced me as a young girl growing up and experiencing bullying by my peers within school. As a mixed race, half-filipino and half-white woman, I had my classmates name me as Chinese, Pakistani, Korean and any other race you could think of despite my own. Children would often pull back their eyelids to claim and make fun of my non-existent ‘chinky eyes’.
Jessica: As a young adult, signing my own paperwork felt gruelling everytime I would cast my eyes over the ballot box of ‘White British', ‘Asian’, ‘Black Asian’ and more. Men who fancied me often made me feel as if I was something out of a zoo describing me as ‘exotic’ and ‘continental’ as if I was a dish they were willing to try.
Gaia: I have had many instances where I felt fetishized. As if my whole being and self was reduced to a word mispronounced, that went from funny to erotic in a matter of seconds. This occurred in work and social situations. I did an experiment last week and saw how long it took for anyone conversing with me to mention any ‘Italy’ connotations. Unfortunately, no one lasted longer than two hours for the whole week; I felt defeated and as if what I had to say mattered to no one.
4. Have you had any negative experiences online or in person, after sharing with someone your cultural background?
Jessica: I have often had and still experience negative experiences online and in person from all ranges of people. Although morbid curiosity can remain an innocent open question it should also be a subject approached with sensitivity and caution. You shouldn’t ever ask someone ‘Where do you come from?’ otherwise the answer you may receive may well be a punch in the face. Most of the time, mixed-race people are happy to share questions about their background - but you should know the difference between ethnicity and nationality as a bare minimum!
Gaia: I have never dated an Italian guy abroad, although a few have approached me. I received the impression that they took my rejection personally and expected me to sleep with them simply because we share the same country of birth. Of course, I have never heard from them after, so much for being ‘friends’!
4. A If so, how has that made you feel?
Gaia: Quite shi***. If from one group I was a ‘fetish’ or a ‘dare’, from the other I was the easy option.
Jessica: Disappointed that some people are not educated in the world of other cultures, races and values that we hold.
5. What has your experience been dating a British man versus someone of the same nationality as yours?
Gaia: I have had a relatively good experience dating British men. To my surprise, British men were less jealous, possessive, and usually kind. Although it was clearly too late for myself and I realised with shame, that the toxic behaviour from my Italian past was now ingrained in my brain as something to hope for; so, I often found myself in arguments with topics such as: Is it okay to be friends with your ex? And what exactly is defined as cheating?
Gaia: Although it is difficult giving overall feedback, I have had the pleasure of dating a varied group: from the millionaire heir to the lack-of-ambition-car-obsessed-guy, to the one that should have been in therapy from a young age. With age, followed by wisdom, I realise that perhaps, the tame and quiet British gentlemen, was not my type after all, and I need just a pinch more of spice.
6. Have there been any challenges or difficulties?
Gaia: I struggled the most with the value British men give to family. My family is and will always be my priority. They are the ones that no matter what happens, have been there for me and will be permanently. I found it quite disheartening how so many individuals put little value on their family time. How can some families never even share a meal together? I imagine some of them as the grandmothers of my children and I just couldn’t picture it.
Jessica: My challenge now as a young woman is the perception I now hold of myself. As a young girl my looks were often penalised and shamed, for looking ‘different’. Now, in the pool full of dating apps (Hinge and Tinder galore) I am glorified for my difference in looks and deemed ‘beautiful’ and ‘gorgeous’. Although the crowd has a different opinion of me now, it is still difficult to waive their original thoughts of me from years ago.
7. Are there any cultural normalities or traditions (within dating and marriage ideals) which are common and prevalent within your culture?
Gaia: We are not a very traditional family and consider ourselves quite modern. Although there are a few differences between Italian couples and British couples. Within Italy, it is about winning the family over: you are expected to bring presents (wine, flowers, homemade cakes) to the mum, and give the dad a firm handshake, while discussing your ambitions and successes. Some individuals looked like scared mice below the judgemental side eye of my brother. If we were Christians, then I would be expected to be a virgin, luckily my parents know those days are long gone.
Jessica: Catholicism is at large within the Philippines, therefore courting and ‘wooing a lady’ is very common and people usually marry for life. Men are expecting to court a lady for a while before even beginning dating. Although dating is more relaxed in the UK, it is a shame that some of these romantic notions still rarely exist. But I hope within my next relationship I can definitely bring some of these traditions back!
8. What is your opinion of them?
Gaia: While in my rebellious youth I hated my culture and anything that made me different from the cool kids in school, today I cherish them.
Jessica: I often thought it was strange within Filipino culture
9. What is your opinion of interracial couples? And are there better ways we can expand on celebrating these loves?
Gaia: I applaud them. While my struggles might seem big to me, I am after all a white woman, with Caucasian features, coming from one of the ‘cool foreign countries’ to originate from. I can only imagine the struggles some women and men go through from less ‘desirable’ backgrounds in the opinion of British people. While ‘millionaire Tory boy’ taking me home was a surprise, I am not so sure it would have been the same reaction if my background were different. A way to cherish them would be educating people more on different backgrounds and cultures, but that is another topic, with not enough words to describe that.
Jessica: I adore and cherish interracial couples, and when I see them in public, I have a smile on my lips. I believe in cherishing those who dare to love and be brave despite our differences. Luckily, every one of my past boyfriends has never made me feel strange in social situations when describing my background.
10. What is your advice to someone who is dating another person from a different racial, and cultural background who wants to know more about the person they are dating?
Gaia: Love, learn and listen! Do your research: Are there any customs you’re not aware of but you should learn? Any do’s and don’ts ? Any way of greeting or presenting yourself? If you love your partner, wouldn’t you want to know more? Ask them questions! They would love to educate you. And most importantly, please, please, please, never show up to foreign parents' houses empty handed!
Jessica: I agree with Gaia’s points about research and not turning up empty-handed! It is most likely that a meal was prepared for you - So you best pair it with a nice bottle of wine or flowers!
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