Kinks and fetishes. Two big words. One spicy topic. Conjugated in euphemisms and stereotypes and projected in wistful fantasies - the odd kink or fetish is becoming a stranger to fewer and fewer people.
Whether you've become acquainted with nuanced leather as a universal sex symbol or just thinking about trying something new - there are items to discover for everyone.
While stigma, shame and judgement can come attached to these topics, so can enlightenment. Modern depictions of wild sex, in directors Barbara Białowąs' 365 Days or Sam-Taylor-Johnsons' 50 Shades of Grey, can make BDSM dramatised to be unrealistic and not following complete expectations. But under the covers, the kink community is an open dialogue, which partakes in enthusiastic consent to stop the travelling of nonconsensual and abusive behaviour.
What is a kink?
A kink is a non-conventional sexual practice, concept or fantasy. Kink is a sexual activity that falls outside of sex that society deems traditional. Kink-specific terms can help clarify desires, feelings and new sensations. When delving into this world, it can be wise to encourage safer play, boundary setting, negotiation, aftercare and check-ins.
What is a fetish?
Sexual desire in which gratification depends to an abnormal degree on some object, item of clothing or part of the body. Fetishes can include various stimuli such as clothing, rubber items, footwear, body parts and leather. In a 2007 study, an anonymous survey discussed groups with the word fetish in the name. The groups about body parts or features belonged to feet, body fluids, body size, hair, muscles and even erotic asphyxiation.
Below is a short discussion with myself and my good friend Monica. We talk about where we think kinks come from, how they may evolve and what sexuality means for us.
Jessica and Monica:
J: Where do you think kinks derive from?
M: I think the sad reality is that they can come from trauma. The intense ones, the dangerous ones, crave and push you to want to feel something more. Kinks come naturally from learning what your likes and dislikes are and testing boundaries are important along the way. If you are an explorative person you may like to try new things anyway.
J: Personally I believe it also derives from your upbringing, how you have been influenced by your surroundings and depending on how much of a closeted person you are. Factors such as sexual history, your introduction to sex and your personality can differentiate what you’ll be open to in the bedroom.
J: What is your advice if someone wants to share another person with one of their kinks? To let them know about it If you were nervous
M: Generally I believe a connection of comfortability needs to be established before you go into great detail about sex. Otherwise, discussing before becoming comfortable could lead to information coming as a shock. A great way to start would be to ask someone what their love languages are. For a lot of people physical touch is a big part of love and intimacy - this segways into leading the conversation as a part of physical touch. Sex is a crucial factor to your relationship - Beginning it as a part of normal conversation is less intimidating creating the conversation to be more approachable and easier to digest.
J: How would you increase the intensity of a kink?
M: Regarding any type of kink you must have a safeword or movement to stop whatever sexual practice you are partaking in. This can be something you say within the moment - or something you have already discussed i.e a specific movement or gesture. These pre-discussed safety measures in place are vital to stop no party overtaking their limit.
J: Do you believe there is a possibility to feel insecure about not fulfilling someone's sexual fantasy which includes a kink or specific fetish?
M: It can be difficult to fully engage and romanticise fulfilling a sexual act for another person. With watching porn there can be a frightening unrealistic view of how kinky sex is to be played out. Where does the fascination come from to want to do something out of the ordinary could come from anywhere.
J: Do you think that kinks and fetishes evolve?
M: I think they never go away, but become more intense as time evolves. The more we have sex the more we learn about ourselves and sexual partner/s. I find it interesting that we stigmatise kinks over other kinks. For example, bondage can be considered more normal, but compared to furries, child play, cat or animal fetishes - the ones which are more out of the ordinary are more hated and shy away from talking.
J: I completely agree, I think that although there is the all round curiosity to kinks and fetishes they can also be coated in an undertone of judgement. Perhaps some of the questions you might be faced with are ‘why is that person like that?’ and ‘why do you feel like you need to want to do that?’. When it should be you’re free to embrace your own choices and feel the way you feel’ etc etc as long as of course this is within consent and you are not harming someone in the process.
Whether our scorecard has been hardly used, crumpled or ticked off numerous times - it gives insight into who we are in real life. Our wants, needs and sexual fantasies reflect our character and personality and are an extension of us. While sexuality is fluid, and our preferences in sex and sexual practices are forever altering, there can always be something new to discover. Our open-mindedness and acceptance are vital, so we don't kink-shame or judge someone else's preferences.
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