While not every relationship starts within the friendship circles like Jim and Pam from The Office, it can be parallels for most people. According to a YouGov survey in 2020, 18% of couples have met through mutual friends and 11% at work. Therefore, group dinners, friends' parties, and other social events could all be cause for meeting a potential partner.
But factors such as rocking the friendship dynamics, potentially hurting someone's feelings and having a closer bond with particular individuals - can be game changers. The slow burn of fancying someone within your close-knit friendship circle can be gruelling and entertaining.
Dangers of your more-than-friendship-emotions being unrequited, flirtatious exchanges, and the talking stage are thrilling moments of a blossoming romance. How do we ensure our friends feel included and engaged in quality time when relationships hang in the balance?
Every situation is different and should be handled with care. Whether you have been friends since childhood, stem from work circles or old acquaintances. Maturing and growing older is difficult enough without the challenge of a new relationship and eyes upon you - so how do we tackle this?
But can one couple get together cause a rupture, causing the strings of a close friendship group to fall apart? Would friends be forced to choose sides if the couple broke up? Are social horizons dramatically about to change?
My close friend Nina Clay and I discuss below and talk about our own experiences of dating within a small town, having crossovers within our group and - ultimately being the topic of conversation while innocently dating within our mutual friend group.
The Interview:
Have you ever dated someone within your friendship group? How did it go?
Jessica: I have dated someone within a group before, I was new to the group being the outsider. Belonging to a group and meeting these friends regularly slowly made me become confident with finding my own friends in a new town. I dated this person for a year, it was bliss.
Nina: I have dated multiple members of my friendship group in the past (at different times of course.)The first was one of my best friends and I felt a confusion between adoring him as a friend and adoring him as more. Our relationship became a blurred version of love which naturally developed into a relationship. This wasn't meant to be however and eventually came to a mutual ending. Luckily, we were able to stay as friends.
With time I grew closer to another fellow acquaintance within the group and with a similar beginning that soon turned into something much deeper; love solidified and four and a half years later - I think it’s safe to say it’s going well.
How do you think dating someone in the same friendship group has affected your friendship dynamic?
Jessica: I cannot answer this question firsthand, but I can say belonging to a new group with new people to meet and appeal to regularly was a challenge. As a long-standing people pleaser, I often wanted to appear confident, humorous and dedicated to my previous boyfriend.
Nina: I feel lucky to be a part of a group that’s easy going and takes things at face value. This isn’t to say dating amongst us has always been smooth sailing but as a group, respect has always kept us afloat.
Do you think it is important to set boundaries and communicate openly when dating someone in the same friend group?
Jessica: I believe it is important to set boundaries and figure out how you would like to communicate as every relationship style is different. Some people are more open about what goes on behind closed doors and some couples are more private.
Nina: Boundaries are key in any relationship and when dating in friendship groups this stands for all parties. With mutual respect amongst the group, these boundaries will fall into place organically. Considering individuality, not everyone can keep opinions to themselves and there’s always gossip just waiting to be shared - therefore I can understand the temptation of sneaking around like Chandler and Monica.
What are the potential pros of dating within the same friendship group?
Jessica: I believe the pros are that you get to hang out with your favourite person as well as your other friends simultaneously. Friendships can become closer and more intimate if you are spending more time with your chosen people. I suppose learning about the person you love also through the eyes of other people grants more perspective.
Nina: Dating a friend can be an amazing thing; knowing them first and wanting to be around them unconditionally creates a foundation for the relationship that many people seek. I mean it definitely was a bonus to have already broken the awkwardness of popping off and not having to hide the natural ways of the body.
And what about cons? Have there been any challenges you have faced? Or challenges couples in your friendship group have faced?
Jessica: Sometimes people don’t know how to greet or react to you when the dynamics have changed within the group. Potentially closeness of certain pairs or trios can shift. I think it’s safe to say our relationships are always changing whether they are platonic or romantic. I believe having a tiff, argument or facing a challenge then meeting your friends soon after can be tricky - when as a couple you would like to appear harmoniously in union at most times.
Nina: Of course there are always potential downfalls in dating within your group. It won’t always work out and if it doesn’t; where does that leave everyone? Which party do you side with? Hangout with? The room a break up allows for gossip can be vast, but hey, that is down to you and your friends as individuals to deal with and trust and respect goes a long way. In terms of my group, I think we’ve managed pretty well considering...
Do you think that a couple could break up a friendship group?
Jessica: I believe that this is completely possible. I have seen friends at university fall out with their other friends due to their relationships becoming codependent, closed-off or even secretive. Social interactions at parties, events or gigs have become stifled with awkward air and public displays of affection. This is not to say that I believe that codependency is the only way a couple can adapt, but I believe individuality still should remain intact.
Nina: I feel like any scenario is possible really. I have definitely noticed divides in genders when this happens as ‘girls stick together’ and so on. However, I feel my group hears each other out pretty well and makes decisions based on their individual views and values on a situation. This is something that has come with age and maturity and hopefully overtime this will become more of the norm all around.
Do you believe dating someone within your friendship group can always work out? If not, what are the repercussions of this?
Jessica: I believe that dating someone within your friendship group can work out but also resuscitate dire consequences following a break-up. Friends do not know whether to take sides, meeting people or hanging out can become strategic and some people may find release when the relationship is over. All I can say is that there is no cookie-cutter answer, and we don't choose who we fall in love with - but isn’t it probably worth pursuing anyway? Love always comes with risk.
Nina: Dating in a friendship will never guarantee a wedding day, but it’s possible right? It’s always worth pursuing something that has potential to be your happily ever after and if it’s not? Then fuck it, you gained experience and life lessons and whose to say a situationship isn’t a little fun?
❤️